Article: Setting The Bar

The biggest challenge I have recently undertaken has been establishing myself in Paris, temporarily. My husband and I have always itched to experience life abroad, and, since neither of us is employed in a traditional job, we had no hope of being "sent" overseas for work. Therefore, we have had to create our own opportunities.

For my husband, a wine and food photographer, time spent in Europe is a strategic career move to expand his clientele. My work as a coach lends itself to mobility. Basing myself in a new locale allows me to meet new people and network in an entirely different community. Since my true passion is people, learning about them, understanding them and helping them to identify and follow their passion, I am enjoying new opportunities right and left! In English.

That's the catch. Despite over 10 years of required French in school, plus individual tutoring, my conversational skills leave something to be desired. I can make my way through reading and writing, conjugate verbs and present a passable verb tense. However, when faced with the simple task of purchasing dinner supplies, I become mute.

Simple shopping, while an ideal time to practice conversational skills, becomes a terrifying social experience. At the local market, I ask if the tuna is fresh and once the eager Poissoniere veers away from "oui" or "non," embellishing on the glorious traits of his fish, I'm lost. What's worse is that the less I understand, the more anxious I become and the more lost I am.

The other day, when invited to a neighbor's home for a drink (a rare treat in Paris), I felt an urgent need to clean my kitchen and do laundry. Anything to avoid conversation! And that's when I realized what the problem is. I've been setting the bar too high.

If my expectation is that I suddenly speak French like a local, stringing my words together in perfect slang, with the idiosyncratic Parisian Pout and shrug, how likely am I to feel successful? Add to that an expectation that I not only comprehend voice messages left by delivery personnel speaking into staticy cell phones while in the midst of city traffic, but that I am also able to hold up my end of such a conversation, complete with an argument as to why the package of tea towels my mother has sent should not require a customs clearance by me in person.

As obviously unrealistic this expectation may seem to anyone else, I have been unconsciously holding myself to it mercilessly. And you can imagine how much success I've felt. None.

Which highlights the importance of setting your bar appropriately. Some people tend to over-challenge themselves, setting goals that are unachievable. Others set the bar too low, allowing themselves easy "wins" that never quite feel satisfactory. Setting the bar at the appropriate level is a bit like Goldilocks at the home of the three bears. You have to try a few versions to get it "just right".

The key is to try out different levels and assess as you go. There's no point in choosing one "height" for your bar and leaving it there. Like changing weights at the gym. Your muscles need to build up, step by step, to grow. If you are just starting to weight train, you aren't going to be able to lift the heavy weights on your first try. Or even your second or third. You need to start with a weight you can lift comfortably and slowly buildup.

Setting your bar too high leads to discouragement and a feeling of failure. It is all too easy to come to conclusions like "I just can't do it" or "I will never be able to". And the truth is, you just don't have enough information to jump to such a conclusion. It is a story that we make up in our minds.

Setting the bar too low can lead to a feeling of undeserved success or that you've somehow cheated. Again, we don't have enough information yet to know what we are really capable of because by setting the bar low, we play it safe.

Here are some tips to finding the "right" level for your bar: 

1. Let go of attachment. Be willing to try out a level and see how it works for you. Don't be attached to your performance or results.

2. Be willing to try different levels. Try lowering the challenge and then raising it. Use your experience to give you information about how much/little challenge you need.

3. Be curious. Come from a place of curiosity as if you are an outsider raising and lowering the bar to see how the participant is affected. Notice how your performance is effected, or what results you get, with curiosity, not judgment.

4. Give it time. Stick with it. Give yourself time to try one level and then another. Don't rush.

5. Reality check. Develop a reality check. Realistically, what is an appropriate level for you? Be objective. Get some perspective from someone else. What's a realistic level for your bar?

It will take some time and some getting used to, but eventually you will find the right height for your bar. As for me, I am preparing a list of questions for the Poisonniere. Hey, he's willing to talk with me. It's a great opportunity to practice (even if vocabulary about fish and marine life is not quite what I am after).

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